Clean Palette

It has taken me a long time to realize exactly what was wrong with me. Why was it so hard for me to be loved? Was I not pretty enough? I have never been a thin person so was it because I was always chunky? Was I a bad child? The questions can go on and on but you have to know the story to understand why I ask myself this question to this very day.

I am the youngest child of 9 on my mother’s side and 4 on my father’s side. Now, I could turn here and explain why the story of my life would top anything you have ever seen on reality TV, but that story is not ready to be told … it will be told though, I promise you that.

Now, you would think that by having such a large family, I would not been questioning things like I do. Well, out of that large family, I actually grew up with 1 brother (we had different fathers so we looked nothing alike), my mom and stepdads (there were a few).

Before you start asking about the siblings, that falls under the story that will be told. It is also one of the main reasons why I am now struggling with who I am, why I am never good enough, and why it is so hard for me to open up to people and trust them.

You are supposed to be able to trust your parents and family. The issues from my childhood started what I am calling the demise of the old me. It is very scary to admit that when I was younger and I started learning the truth, I hated who I was and did not want to be who I was anymore. It was horrible because no one knew I was suffering, struggling, hurting and slowly dying inside because I never told anyone and always smiled until one day, I stopped smiling. Thinking about it now, I stopped smiling when the last bit of my heart hardened. Here is the shocker …. I stopped smiling a few years ago. I realized looking back over pictures, I hardly am smiling in any of them. That was my wake-up call.

Today, I plan on writing and sharing the many issues that caused my heart to harden and how this has affected my physical health and most of all, my mental health. In order to be true to this journey, I am going to start with a clean palette and that means, starting from the beginning.

More to come …..